Love for 2013, love for 2014.

Why starts when u know it is going to end? 

It doesn't work this way. Life is about experiencing, good or bad. Experiencing the feeling of being loved and hurt. I am not a fully mature adult, but I am on a journey of experiencing love and hurt. I am walking on the road of commitment.

I started dating with a pretty girl 7months ago and that night, my life was filled with so many colors and so many candies. I smile myself when I was having a shower, I smile for no particular reason when I was walking alone. Even my friends claimed that I was being ridiculously falling for her. My brain was filled with sweets, I just cant stop myself thinking of her. Almost almost every second, dream, shower, study ,eat, piss, and shit. It was so uncontrollable, thinking her face had just became a involuntary action.

Love is built, trust is standing, promises are kept, and hands are holding tight.

From the taboos, a good relationship doesn't have argument and hatred. Eventually, for me, which couple doesn't have argument? That is what makes a solid and healthy relationship. But impatient is starting to be in the climax. Tears, the broken words were so so bitter like a medicine which is trying to heal your heart. None of us were taking the blame, can tell it was worsen the situation. No matter how worse it was, i believe in good communication makes good commitment. I always wanted  to talk calmly to my dearest babe, yelling at each other would probably scare our feeling~

At one point, my relationship was falling apart, my heart was fragmented. We used to be so close to each other, hanging out, texting, lingering around the the garden, having lunch and dinner together. Day by days, the sweetness were fading. We longer have lunch, hanging out. Somehow the feel is getting cold and far.

Climax is where the trust is gone, promises are seen as a lie, a betrayed, fingers are getting lose.

"they" said, if you love a person, love the full package. I agreed with this quote. This is why I see paktor as a razor that stab into your heart. You love the full package, meaning that you love the way she hurts you. Old generation quote doesn't always work how it was. No one loves to be hurt in this world. One has to be coordinate to another one, toleration is vital! THE FULL package style is just a  blind love. A willing heart for both to tolerate is how it strengthen a line, agreement and commitment...

The magnetic relationship energy is no longer that strong to hold 2pieces of heart together. Topics are officially fading when you know your partner is starting to ask what you are doing. From the moment on, I had a mini heart attack and I know this will eventually leads to a bad outcome. The ugly fact. Yes, everything used to be so good. Used to be so good, just good..
So many unexplainable reason..
Taking blames are not an idea.. pride? none..

I miss old days....I really do recall every time we used to be so good... I too question myself, is that what every couples will go though the process of hot to cold? Thanks to the brain for thinking so much.. maybe that's what parents did as well? I'm so young and my problem is very cold.. I wish I could go back to memories.. Those days don't last?

Take a deep breathe, use 5minutes of your life time to think about how it was used to be.. and how is it now..
why?
how?

To u...
What is love now?
I get confused, occasionally.. 

Sigh... depending on what shape u believe in. I hated to see a love story, as a cycle. A cycle of dead end. This is what failures see. Sometimes this is what I see. From strangers to friends, from friends to lovers, from lovers to haters, from haters to strangers, maybe if u are lucky? From strangers to friends again.

I would love to see my story in a heart beating line. A content of progressive love story line. I started from random hostel friend, to good friends, to lovers, to a lovers who argue. I wish, she would be my only lover, to a family. To my forever.

There's no such thing as perfect couples. Fairy tales claim that. But reality doesn't exist such prince charming or princess SNOW WHITE. Quote said so, practice makes perfect. Couples should respect, adapt to their partner's culture. Practice each others norm instead of behaving like a rhino.
 No matter how sweet my relationship is.. I cant deny that there is a moment, I will feel jealous about the other couples.

I scold, because I care.

I'm jealous, because I concern too much.

I'm mad, simply because I am worried.

Sometimes we are tired.

We let go, because we need to cool down.

We argue, simply because we still love each other.

I always have a soft heart on you after all the things we had been through. I may have talked stupid, hurt you, asking u to leave. Trust me one thing, I always do love you.

2013, another year of lesson

 I'm with you

_____________________________________________________________________

 I was so greedy to have so many new year resolution during the end of 2012.
I wanted to be a bodybuilder. So I go for my dream.
 Transformation, dedication, discipline.

I wanted to be smart in academic

although I'm not a 4.0 studentbut I'm proud of my achievement

and I wanted to have a lover

then i fall in love..

Growing up makes life tough. I don't wan no more money, achievements are not priority now. Because the moment I stepped on bodybuilding stage, I knew that wasn't a new year resolution, that a life time revolution. Be happy, is what makes a life colorful..
I pray for living good, happy life for everyone, happy life for me and her and family and for everyone.

I.. sincerely pray for a healthy relationship with this girl, I pray for my parents.
I pray for health
I pray for peace
I pray for harmony
I pray for the loved one
I pray for happiness

most importantly.. my darling, please remember how we first met, please remember how we first start, please remember how and what we had been through, remember how we first felt, remember Sherman no matter what.

Hi 2014 :)
Happy 
New Year..

Life stress like how crying does

Every one stress, even baby does stress.. that's why small kids started stressed out by crying..

Well I stress a little recently.. I might add is not really a little, when school starts that is the moment you know problem starts, assignment starts and play time says goodbye.. things are getting serious..

How I handle stress.. I'm not a good deal when it comes to stress, some how mood swing a lot and pimples are one of the visible way to id my stress.. that's why I gain tons of useless fat and more shit poping from face lately..
But all this is just now human express the hard emotion.. but, I didn't choose to cry..

Crying, yes it indicates sadness.. crying only makes me weak.. crying doesn't makes me stronger, crying doesn't solve my life problem.. I couldn't just cry and expect things get done, things go smooth or things get better? I cry, because things are extremely out of the hand, or maybe deep down inside the heart there's too much to explain..but your mouth just can't get it moving..

My tears are priceless.. this is a principe.. not a solider system of emotion..
I want to make my tears worth to shade, so that my tears worth to be celebrate, I can be happy.
That I could be aggressive, I can hate for a reason.
That I could be seeing the ugly side of every truth, I worth to be sad and cry.
And that I could treasure, love, experience, know, and learn from my very single drop of tear..

Respect me

Fuck this seriously..
Got pissed for some random events... what the fuck was that actually?
I remember you once said you parents never scold u or argue like we did.. for your information, that's your parents alright?
But did u ask your parents to shut up? U respect them as they respect you ok? Don't show your emotion just because you are angry, I angry all the time.. should I slap you in the face?
Seriously can't you be a little more rational?
Shhhhh me? Was I talking to u? I greet my friends and why are you being so rude? Did I interrupted u? Think la!
Say I'm fierce when I'm angry.. fuck it la!
When I'm good talking to u, u ask me to shut up and eat my rice? Now I'm rude and u request me to be calm?
U know moral? U know how to respect? Do u shuhhh your parents? Think la, how old are you already? Angry then can show all kinds of shit face Issit? I angry I also diam diam at first ok?

Neli-then I realized

The last paper was completed yesterday morning and I am officially a freeman from now on.. indeed it was a good news which also means my path in diploma has finally come to a corner.. great thing about it was the 3 of the paper and 2 of it were pretty much a piece of cake, just hoping federal constitution can gain more marks in it.
Because I wasn't raise in a family who practice a lot of politics, public, government, and policies.. I was a regular kid who do regular stuff like.....like.. games, letting mom to do laundry, waiting for dinner, and ready to be a prince...well, literally.....
So as usual final's final ended and I started my entertainment.

But that night, something unusual came to my head..and the scenario sounds like a real story..

A pair of newly marriad young couple decided to visit the wife's dad after he left quite some time, ago..
They were waiting at the beach because her father is a captain of the soldier submarine..waiting for his arrival..

Meanwhile, she received a call from the dad and requested to swim a distance of 1km to reach the submarine, because submarine isn't like any other regular ships which can depart and land on seasides.. the wife answer none and quickly jump into the salt water, so desperate to see her parent.. the husband then joins the swimming as to save his wife for not having any knowledge in swimming..

After all they managed to reach the tank. Without hesitate, she hugged the old man so tight.. they began the chitchat, hugging, teasing and joking. But the husband wasn't part of the conversation at all..at all.... He felt so left out and being treated like a glass.. But the most thing that adores him was the responding smile of her wife to his fatherinlaw.. the smile was so charming which he nearly forgets when was the last seeing his own wife so happy..

I was...stunned...envy, sad and happy for her at the same time.. emotions mixed up makes people feeling uncomfortable..
Very much adore the way they loved each other, the father and daughter's passion was so strong..

Then I realized, it was only just a dream..

It turns out I am in the story...

Even dreams have feelings...
Even dreams makes you feel...
Even dreams would do the thinking...

It was never a dream that makes me feel this way before..

The yes response

Regarding to the college I'm about to enroll during degree level, I've made up my mind so do my dearest mom.

As always heart to heart with a low and peaceful tone can solve a lot of problem in life, rather than bunch of tigers roaring and screaming for a decision making.

I talked to her and I tried to bring in the subject to her. We talk calmly and she explained why I shall not stick to my current so called "university college". The entire reason behind her choice for me to experience another college is all about her perceptions on tarUC level of education. Infact my mom doesn't complain any negativity about my college but just said that others might be better, as always. For her, she loves me unconditionally and money ain't an issue for her son's education. She told me all she can gives now is a better education, because it is an asset to build my bright future.
Other than that, she wanted me to explore to another culture and environment other than staying in hostel. Because I'm still young and changes like this would make me mature and good.

As for what I replied her. I told her nicely, I disagree with the statement. Yes I know papers, certificates are important to determine one's qualification in respective field, and it is also "nowadays" form of foundation in how much we will received in our income. Isn't it a trend now? Diploma now, degree soon to be mainstream-ed. Besides, I believe in potential other than relying on the cert. You might have a good cert from london UK or whatsoever fantastic college. But attitude marks a person's succession in life but not that! Not to judge my brother, he has 2 very good college in technology and business studies. But it doesn't refers to his professionally in that field. He even resit and the cgpa close to failing passing rate.

After so much of discussion, she finally said "all I want is just a better education for you, yet it is still your choice to choose what to study and where to study". My heart melted that moment. Even my dad supports me this time, he has not much comment but he told mom just let me to choose where I liked.

Other than that, there's a suspicious matter that worries mom, she kinda warned me not to make such decision because of hua king. But intact, she's the biggest influence on my desicion. Without her appearance, I would've gone long ago, changes school and my course studied. Because of kingking, I stood up and decided to runs back to what I am about to stop. But all in the end, I liked here, the people, the environment, the lifestyle and the culture here.

Lets hope that she loves me as I did. This few days, felt so in love with her again and again. Wish for our loyalty never dies.

They said it hurts

No body likes lies
But why do we lie?
As said, the truth is messy. We tend to cover the truth to protect oneself~
We all want that relationship that is built to have trust, intimacy, openness. But our most of the relationship doesn't work as theory.
For me, it is about the level of commitment. It can easily see if one individual is fully committed to his/her partner, there is no more lies in between.
The most thing I'm afraid -
Sometimes tracing vouching cross checking bring you the facts that you don;t want to know.
And you are just hopping the lies are the true.

Quote:
Grab a glass and throw it on the floor
Did it break?
Now apologize to it
Did it go back how it was before?
No, get it?

Hiding something isn't truly solution in loving someone.
But if you choose to hide it, hide completely and leaves no trace mark behind the foot.
Lie professionally, don't lie half way.
If you want to do it, do it properly

Although Honest isn't always an option to protect your lies, it doesn't provide any protection.
But at least being honest and real are the rules in a relationship.
Why not? Looking to the very first sight when u started liking a person and wanted to be with them?
Why? A solid reason for it is trust. Reliable.
When these aspect gone wrong, whats the point to be together?

thoughts and thoughts of mine.

是我不会做

我是一位很简单的男生
对于我喜欢的女生，我希望她是文静的，也能够很专一。
不过这一切都是我理想中的女友，可是我爱上了一位对任何人都很热情的女生。无论是刚认识的都能对人带来很亲切的感觉。
我不知不觉就变成了他的男朋友。
在这种情况下，我是应该开心大方还是担心? 是我看不开吗?
样貌和身材如何我都不在意。
我只想要一个女朋友的态度和心态能带给我像是有男朋友的的女生。
我也是想感到有安全，不用害怕她乱来。可是这份感情我终是带给我害怕，怀疑。
是我想太多了吗?
我应该如何..还没离开这里就出现了这些问题，如果分离后会怎样?

change

Changing takes time
Trust me, I tried and I sick of it.. but it has to be change to make a better changes..
sounds complicated but yes, it is hard in the progress and easy to be said..
I wish I could be more tolerable in all aspect, in family, work or a relationship, surrounding..
The biggest enemy here is still the same, ME.. jealousy and undesirable kills you in every way when ever you felt so..
Somehow I am still trying to change my perception to a more mature person. Hoping one day I could really see things wide and have the wisdom quote "Silence is golden" with me.
I am hoping that I could tolerate and endure to see whats happening next.
I always believe in time, it proves everything. Truth or Lies. Because keeping quiet will see how thing runs without your interruption, you know how exactly how they planned, what is the initiative behind everyone of us.
Showing me do they remain unchanged? Same outcome?  It shows you the ugliest answer possible..as always..
All I need to do is to care lesser, think lesser, then worry lesser.....

5weeks to farewell?

I never though of coming into this situation.. this result me for not further my studies..here in tarUC
mom just some how doubt the new system implemented for lacking credibility.. but why would someone choose my future for me? I know she cares about what I am in the society.. but I refuse to change.. this is good, I like it how the same way works :(( I dont wanna change.. why?

I like it here, the place, the people, and the lifestyle here.. I am kind of a dislike stay in-home kid.. I want to explore by my own! I want to experience independence, I don't want to be mami's boy no more.. I want my own life..

Yes, there is no problem living in own's house.. home is great.. warm.. but I don't learn and grow when I am in a shell..

Oh no.. I'm not okay..

seeking path way

Yes sometimes I hate myself for thinking too much
I am very miserable when it comes to the topic "occupation"
There is no actual direction for me to aim for since after competition is over.. I felt so lost and donno what to do with my future path way..
Sooner or later, I'm gonna complete diploma and move on to a degree education. This is what i hate about the society now, no cert no income.. Diploma is everywhere..
TOO mainstream, perhaps.. and now is kinda forcing one to enroll into degree~ I have no faith in proceeding my studies.
Does anyone felt that lost? I guess I am a typical lost kid in college.
I am getting bored to my daily routine here in college~ wake up, goes to class, eat, training and assignment.
Entertainment is getting lesser and lesser, don't even bother to watch movies.
Dail it back, I love learning.. In fact, I enjoy researching something I find interesting regardless of what subject.. But I dislike study very much, I am just not the type of person who can read text book, revision all day long.
That is why I always admire people who can really focus on the text for all day long or doing exercise, past year question. Question that always in my head, how do they get the energy to motivate them?
I am so lost and all of a sudden,  I felt so lonely.. does anyone join my lonely community as well?
PR, is like a joke to me now..how am I going to apply my PR skills into the reality? I barely remember the tactics taught in the class. Thats maybe I didn't practice it all the time.
I am so lost~ I have no direction anymore.. Worst of all, I am very tired of handling my body physique all the time. I do really miss my 6pack abs, just a month ago I am in the best looking body shape in my entire life. But now? I stress out how to maintain it.
Basic expenses in eating is very much expensive, yet I do not work and I spend alot.. FEELING super guilty.
I just want to move out from my home and start something new for myself. I wanna contribute something to myself and family. Or else, there is no difference between a trash or shit.

Recently, bought a new smart phone model htc1.. this the why I left my blogspot empty for a period of time.
I update most of my thoughts in wechat and instragram link to twitter.
I dont do too much on facebook~ People might have good expectation in me, the way I look, how tough I am on the outside, but I am a very emotional kid, not really much people realize that :(( I dont want too much of my friend notice that because I am very secretive!

I just dont want to stay at home and be alone. When I am all by myself, I will always think aside. The bad(s) most of the time. what if what if what if??? I will think too much and make myself miserable, not happy..
Is there anything I can do to utilize my free time?
Truely hope there will be at least a back door for me to escape, I am not sure which rooms I am going now.
I hate myself, feeling like nobody.
Why cant I just be like a normal person who think normally? I just need a direction :((
I'm stuck in a real dilemma.

Other than blogging, Gym is still the best play for me to express my feelings.. I have switched my gym timing to the morning session most of the time. When I woke up, I think of lifting irons and forget about everything, which makes me have PLENTY of time at the night! AND worst of all, all my friends are no longer available. They join the night session, and I am all alone again.

Although I have a girlfriend now, but I understand the Principe in her. She aims for a scholarship in her degree. We hardly have time for each other even though we are from the same hostel. That's why she is dating with notes and text books more than me!
But I'm not sure how many time I can have to spend with her, due to her background where she is from east Malaysia. And I am a penisular kid, what if she goes back? What if she study here and I am not anymore? lol.. kinda samething repeated when I first come to college.. there is so many "what if" in my head..
and one of the thing that I worried all the time - what about us?
what can I do to save this relationship?
Let it be real, distance relationship is a bullshit to me.. the bond will fade when people don't see each other especially for couples.
Hopefully I can still keep the sweet little thing in us.

Others might have plans for their future. Seeing themselves working in so and so company with well paid salary. They have the foundation to move forward after graduation.
What about me? When I graduate, I will seek what earn the most money regardless what job scope it is. My friend invite me to join her soyabean crazy plan, and I had the urge to blend into her plan.
I hate myself and I hate office work more. I wonder, how kiyosaki did so well in his life, how people get so rich without working. How the kick start at the beginning? how they managed to do it?
Rich people are knowledgeable in financial. I am so into them, hoping to know one of the real successful person in reality, very much willing to be their apprentice. But look around, people I know are common. No dato or tan sri~

I am no Christian or Buddhist, most of the kids in my generation are non-religion. Freethinker might be good in many ways, but it blinds you when you are nothing. No arrows and faith is given when you are gone.
This is the time I really wanted to pray for the obstacle I'm facing. Hope that someone up there will heard my prayers.

God help me.

Sweetness

so here I am back to blogging after my competition..
yea I was upset that i didnt manage to be the finalist on stage, but thats all right..
learnt hell lot of things.. I'll never give up that easy~

which brings me to my new episode in life :))
It is very happy to spend time talking to someone u like..
It is much happier when u know she likes you more..
never realize this will be on me!

Lets all hope that we can be great together~ it is now week6~
times flies, and I don have much time meeting you.. must treasure!

2.5weeks out

Sem break is finally over and  college life just started

week1 is always a relaxing moment for everyone

and I didn't attend to any lecture =/ I WAS LATE FOR LECTURE in the first week

this is a failure attitude in studies~ well.. I gotta still focus on my training
Counting from today, it is just around the corner

2 and a half weeks out, MR KL here I come.. you are getting near, so am I

but heres the another hard part of management.
I am about to immune to my tasteless diet but eating in the class is still very awkward

TARC culture,during long sem we start tutorial class on the second week

yet I have to do the come&go routine for the next 2 weeks just to adjust to my competition requirement

It is so near.. I am motivated.. there is no more time for emo

get pumped get motivated get ready get moving

this was taken at genting, a late night trip
:D I managed to get into casino before 21! haha!

Addiction?

Blog once again came into top of the to-do-list, it always occurs during sem break when I have nothing better to do..

I pretty much missed so much freelance job, when friends were asking you to join. I just simply couldnt do one thing for a long period of time! ISH!! I have task to be accomplish.. and was long for 26th May.. wondering how much would it be, how would it look like.. praying it to meet my expectation :)

Everyone likes entertainment.. who doesn't? But recently my entertainments are surfing internet and movies.. outdoor activity is simply not a good option for me.. I am just like a baby, have to be fed every few hrs..

But entertainment and addiction can be in many forms.. but how do you define a person enjoying something too much and become madness?

For me..it has no limit in doing crazy stuff... but I just cant admit that I was crazy enough to spent money on something doesnt worth it..

Flash flashing back, back in time!

Back to the days when the time I was totally addicted to online games, especially to MapleStory.. It was 2007/08, I was about 15 years old and I hated high school.. I rather spend my lunch money on an Online game.. how? Yes, buying game credit just to look good, decorate your avatar.. haha pretty much stupid.. how much I had spent?

20?

60?

hmmm 100..?

should be approximate rm500-700

each card cost rm24, and this is only one online game lol!

I played XDO as well :)

and during 2008, RM24 is a fucking large amount of pocket money for a high school student..

Imagine the amount was so big and I didn't use it well...

Well now it is pretty much better than last time, I still spend money on things.. But on a different subject..

Supplementation..

Peoples have always been asking why we should buy supplement since our body is healthy enough..

indeeddddd.. supplements are for old mans who are lack of micronutrition..

As for me.. cutting phase, I didn't much get those nutrition from food.. so~

currently taking 9types of supplements per day! per fucking day man..

obviously before this I bought alot already.. but this is insane.. I feel the same madness with myself too LOL!
lets do a quick calculation

WHEY mutant+myo = 500

Glutamine = 100+

Fat Burner = 140+-

Creatine = 125

Testosterone booster = 170

Multi vitamin = 120 +-

Vitamin C = 80 +-

Fish oil, glucosamine, calcium, clen and others erm.. 200 to 300+- ?

I dont rmb.. but i know this is very costy~
and my diet is making me bankrupt too :((

each day spending on whole chicken breast 750g, rm18-20

Oat

brown rice

vege

olive oil

rm30 to 35 will be constantly deducted from your pocket everyday...

:((

Hope this madness will end.. quick! 2more months to go!

梦和想，感到的苦

很久都没有那么的闷闷不乐了

当生活中缺少了味道的知觉真的有一点..不知道怎么去说自己的心情..

就在今天，我领导到甜的味道真的很强… 

当自己知道昨天那一晚和朋友们吃的晚餐是最后吃得最有味丰富的食物时.. 就把今天弄成有点不开心..奇奇怪怪和无聊..把人弄得懒惰去的感觉…

每天就在等待自己十个星期后的自己，也一面在想十个星期内都是同样的人生.. 所有要塞如嘴巴里淡淡的鸡胸肉，白饭，油，都要量重过…

就这么的食物要吃五六次.. 才十四天多，我都快要搞疯了..

念铁不难

指望，忍，等，也真的慢辛苦一下… 唉，没办法，也要把它们习惯去..

心也开始不再班上听课.. Assignment不想动，书不想念，食物不想吃，连看美女的心情都少了

心只在十个星期后的台上.. 只期待每天七点到九点的那一刻，可把一切的压力都对铁片和哑铃们表达出来..

因为只有那一刻才可以看见爱人们和朋友们精神上的支持带来动力

期待，等待，很累，也感到了压力.. 每天都抱着同样的想法和心情.. 连发梦都梦起同样的情形..

没关系..

我！多难不怕！多累不怕！多痛苦都不怕！

我！！要证明给家人看，他们的投资是没有浪费的！

我！！！

要告诉自己多苦都是值得的！

要告诉自己加油努力支持下去！

要告诉自己别放弃！

要告诉自己，我是可以做到的！！

dreamy smooth

same old same old, whats new in life. I shall call this a first post in 2013

back to the recent events happened at the beginning of this year

As the previous Xmas day was not a very fortune time to celebrate, TARCian were bzing all over finals then scheduled time table clashes with 2 big day! xmas and new year eve! So that makes no mood-less to study! but I still manage to get the same result -.- with a total cgpa 3.12xy~ but I am still blessed to receive my very first A- in diploma, so far. And an almost scared the fuck out of me C (c- is a fail) for a Malay subject - Moral & Etika. Seems like I haven't improve any since high school :)

But this year's chinese new year is pretty awesome! Although my grandma didn't much remember me,literary. She was still the same style, whats new was she chased we out of the house @@
As for sem break, I don't really have a date or vacation, clean bulking phase started until the 2nd week of college starts.

Currently in cutting phase, where everything taste so freaking nice. Carb cycling is already an option to minimize the impact to my temptation. I couldn't imagine it anymore, staying in this condition for a total of 12weeks! From a 2800kcal intake to 2100kcal on a low carb day is pretty much starves me.
I have made it through a week, experiencing the real fat lost program. measuring each meal with the accurate amount, no rice for the first 3cycles and every meal is about vege steamed c.breast & few drops of olive oil. When it comes to the forth day! Rice just tasted soooooooooo good, seriously.

I just pray to get into top5 best competitors and too hope to get into 70kg junior above category in KL state. 

I never been working so hard for something I want, 12weeks out from competition and I am very nervous already. 

Sherman

fighting